stop yelling at the kids and stop yelling at your spouse. this will only create issues for you and your kids and your spouse throughout their lives. it does not get you anywhere. be calm and speak calmly in a heated situation –which most of the time is not even worth being heated. it is only heated because you started yelling. it is unfortunate that we do seem to have short fuses and we take it out on our loved ones because they are not doing what you want them to do. take a chill pill. everything does not revolve around you. life keeps us moving fast and we tend to react fast to even the smallest things. we want fast results, we want fast action. so we yell. and we think yelling will get the point out faster or make that person move faster. end result is no good. stop yelling. better yet –tell yourself to stop yelling before you do start to yell. thanks.
Author: tobycode
forget the green grass
be grateful for what you have. stop wishing for what they have. look at what you have and see that what you have is great. you are lucky. yes, you have had some bad luck. yes, the path has not been all roses. yes, you did not strike it rich. yes, you are not the most popular person to everyone. yes, you have insecurities that drive you crazy. yes, you are not perfect. yes, you worry about what others think about you. yes, you want to please everyone. yes, you hate getting old and you hate seeing your kids getting old. but guess what? you have it pretty good. you are alive, you are still young enough where health issues are not a problem. you might be lucky enough to have a family. if you are, then this is the main reason to stop bitching and start thanking. be happy for the little things that you have and for the fleeting moments that you have with your family. cherish the nights with them, cherish the days with them. you have friends too –be happy for that. stop looking at the material world and saying “i want that”. you have everything you need already –be happy with that. tell your mind to stop. yes, you want more success and yes, you want more money –but it will all come if you are patient. stop thinking about how you want things to be and be happy with how things are. you can’t please everyone –so let them deal with that fact. just be happy –if you can.
routine
we all have it –you must have it. the daily routine of life is like a well-worn path that we follow every day. it keeps us sane, it keeps us out of trouble, it keeps us alive. we do it without thinking –we embrace each part of it. it is not a complete line every day –but small bits and pieces that we go to for comfort and sanity. it might be strongest in the morning –where you just follow along half asleep –or it might peak in the evening –pushing you towards sleep time. events of the day take us off the routine –and that is wanted and embraced as well -we don’t want to get bored to death. we do always get pulled back to parts of a routine –wake-up, shower, kids off, breakfast, coffee, emails –work -work -work -work –then go home, dinner, kids in bed, tv, read, sleep. we need these bits of routine after a long vacation too. you love vacation and getting out of routine –but then you long for that old routine –you don’t want to vacation all the time –you would get thrown off your course, you would fall out of moderation and into excess. you need routine, you need moderation to reach your goals, to get to the end of the road in one piece, to live longer, to help your kids. you need it, don’t deny it, embrace it!
being mean
i am beginning to believe that this is all part of human nature. we don’t want to be mean –it just happens. and most of the time it happens in our own mind –so the rest of the world doesn’t even hear us being mean or they rarely know that we are being mean. you see someone or hear someone saying something–and your mind quickly goes into action –and sometimes the thoughts that come into your mind are mean and critical thoughts about that person –it might even be “that was a stupid thing to do –what a dope”. but most of the time you don’t say it aloud. so the reality is we are all mean to other people at some point or another –and this is due to human nature and to your experiences in life. it could be as simple as bad manners. you were brought up with the best manners, for example, and you see someone chewing with their mouth open –and you immediately go to mean thoughts in your mind –but you do not say anything. this is the most common example of being mean –you say these mean thoughts in your mind and the only thing you need to worry about is your self-guilt for saying these things. you tell yourself–“don’t think those mean things about people –be a better person”. the 2nd phase is the hard one –where you think mean thoughts and then you say them aloud –immediately altering the image of yourself in the eyes of others. they start to think –“that is a mean person” –and thus your reputation as a mean person grows and you soon find yourself alone or hanging out with other mean people. this is the hardest thing to master –almost to the point of changing your personality a bit. if you are a hyper person like i am, then your mind races faster than your mouth and sometimes things slip out –because you want to make your comment right away –you often skip the part of making sure the comment is a good one to say aloud. i do this all the time–at least once a week–where i say a stupid comment and think to myself –oh, shit! –did i just say a mean comment aloud. but i have made some progress –i do find myself going through the comments in my mind and then skipping over them and not saying them aloud –knowing that they would hurt someone. but i am not out of the woods yet –it must come with older age –where patience sets in and you begin to understand that it is better to listen most of the time rather than speak all the time. each close call i have makes me think more about this process. i need to slow down a bit and have fewer missteps -i need to practice more.
family first
this is a bitch of a topic! i mean– my first and only approach in this area is to always put family first in everything you do. which you should always do. plus, you should always never judge family and always take the high road when it comes to family. at the end of the day –all you will have left is family –whether that is good or bad–it is the simple fact. you do not want to cause conflict with your family and you need to bite your tongue with your family –after all this is your family. the same family that you grew up with or the same family that you raised. there was a time in the beginning where you looked on to your family members with eyes of adoration. you looked at your baby or you looked at your mother with complete eyes of loyalty and devotion. you looked at your brother or you looked at your sister with love and affection. you used to laugh with your family, you used have fun with your family –back in the times of innocence and fresh starts. you never thought those days would end, you never thought conflict would arise, you never thought people would change. but things do change and phases of life come and go –and conflict can occur in family. this is when this concept will be tested –this concept of “family first”. do you take the high road if you have been wronged by family? do you never judge your family when judgement is called into question? do you forgive every time? we will all be challenged by family member actions. what do you do? you want your sister to call you after a fight because you think it was her fault. this leads to a rift developing –one that might never be healed. but, don’t play this BS game–call her up –take the high road each time and stop the rift. make family first because it is the right thing to do –it will make you a better person in the long run. the long-time love bond of family is always there –but sometimes you forget. put family first unless a crime has been committed. in that case, this concept goes out the window. they then become strangers and are no longer family.
control
i know it is hard, but we need to try and control people less. when you try to control the actions of another person so that they fit the mold in your mind –only trouble can come from it. if it is in your nature to control things –you need to break away from this natural inclination when it comes to people you love. do not try to control them –let them figure things out for themselves because they do know what is the right thing to do –without you trying to tell them all the time or control them all the time. you love them for many things that do not need control –and then you try to control a few things that you want changed, etc. stop doing this. i know it is hard to break these habits that have formed in your mind. you see an ideal in your mind and you want to live by that ideal and you want others to live by your ideal as well. though it might be a good ideal –you might turn it into a negative ideal when you try to control folks. ease back a bit and let things happen naturally. if they love you, then they will try to please you by trying to live up to your ideal –just like you will try to live up to their ideals. this is the way you create balance in a relationship. try to live up to each other’s ideals, but do not push and try to control things to reach these ideals. a balance can be achieved if the understanding that each will try without control. get it? everything is a work in progress –so start slow. that’s what I do.
the gut
is what it is all about. You live by it, you die by it. If your gut says do this or do that – then do it. The gut will not steer you wrong- it will steer you right. You must listen to the gut, it is the truth, it is the only truth in your life. If you don’t listen to your gut then you will make mistakes in life. Sometimes the gut can actually speak out of your mouth. You will feel something from the gut first and then you will speak the thought of the gut. When this happens, you know the gut is right and you must listen to exactly what you are saying because you are really saying this to yourself. And of course you know yourself better than anyone or anything. And if you don’t listen to what you are saying to yourself, then you might as well not listen to anything. The trick is getting in tune with your gut. You have to figure out when your gut is telling you something. It will always be there in the background of every feeling and every action in life and most of the time it doesn’t have to shout- you make the right choice without a wake up call. But then every so often, you need to be shouted at if something is not right – hey wake up and make a change because whatever you are doing is not cool with the gut, and if it is not cool with the gut, then you are in trouble- so listen to your gut and get out of trouble.
keep kids safe
you know –life is dangerous –very dangerous –and it is a miracle that we make it to adulthood. so, how do you keep your kids safe? well –you can’t look at every little thing –but you can look at 3 main areas. It is a simple approach, but you must be vigilant. 3 things to be paranoid about to keep your kids safe — watch out for cars, watch out for strangers and watch out for drowning. if you can be proactive in these 3 areas –chances are your kids will be safe overall. oh–and tell your kids about these 3 things all the time –keep them at the top of their mind. don’t freak them out, but make them very aware. yeah, i know it is simple and obvious –but it ain’t obvious unless you pay attention and let the kids know of these areas. get it?
motivation
Money should not motivate you. You must want to do something because you like doing this something. This is where true motivation comes from –from doing something you like and want to do. This is how you will achieve what you want to achieve –whether it is a small something or big something –the motivation must be real and connected to your willingness to want to do this thing. It cannot come from wanting to reap the benefits of doing this thing. These things are not real –they are wishes of material objects –these are not the true motivators –these are only what comes from achieving something through true motivation. Do not motivate yourself to get these material things –only motivate yourself to achieve a task –and only do this because you like or want to do this –and that you like the feeling of succeeding when doing this task. It is only then that you will achieve everything you desire, including material objects. Get it?
ireland
The people in Ireland are great. I should know, I now have in-laws who live there. I also have 10 nieces and nephews who call me Uncle T. Yes, that’s right – I married an Irish girl. In fact, the day I arrived in Ireland in 1993 I met my future wife. She was the girlfriend of one of the Irish brothers. The Irish brothers were 2 lads I met during the summer of 1989. I left the Florida heat to work at an old resort deep in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. There, I would meet about 30 Irish college students, 2 of which I would become very good friends. At the end of the summer, I told the lads I’d see them when I got out of college. That is exactly what I did. Once graduated, I saved up my money and headed out to explore the world, starting with Ireland, a place where most Americans claim to have an ancestral connection.
I’ll never forget that day when I stepped off the plane with my Florida tan and white shorts. They made fun of me. Apparently, the days of wearing shorts are few and far between. That would be the last day I ever wore shorts in that country. The brothers were there to pick me up at the airport and boy was I going through a culture shock. It was my first time in Europe and I was loving it. An hour later, we were on the course and drinking tall-boys. Man, I will never forget the smell of the Irish countryside, so fresh, so pure –with a touch of manure. Mix that with some beer and hitting a few golf balls and you have something close to paradise.
On our way to the course, we stopped by James’ girlfriend’s house to pick her up and take her to work. She looked good and I remember telling James, “Way to go, man”. Little did I know that I would be exchanging marriage vows with her a little less than six years later. But of course I had to get it all out of my system before then. That is one of the keys to a successful marriage: preparation. You must get all crazy, youthful, single experiences out of the system before marriage. If you don’t, you will be doing both you and your lovely new spouse a disservice.
My plan was to spend a couple of weeks with the boys and then head off to the mainland. 9 months later I got back on a plane bound for FLA without ever stepping foot on any other country besides the Emerald Isle. For the first 2 months, we burned through my cash reserves playing golf everyday and hitting the black stuff at night. I was staying in their family home and giving a little bit of cash each month to the mother. I also began to date the younger sister. This was ultimately a bad move on my part. It would later create a rift between me and the brothers, that lasts to this day. At the time I figured what the hell. This wasn’t Florida, this was Ireland and I could get away with just about anything.
So there I was, taking full advantage of what Ireland had to offer me in every respect. By the third month I was forced to get a job. I also wanted to get my own flat. Patrick and I got a flat together in flat-city and were offered the job of running a bistro on Merrion Row. Bad move on the owner’s part. Sure we made the place some money, but we also ate filet mignon every night, as well as helping ourselves to all the Smithwicks we could drink. Before you knew it, the Christmas season rolled around and we got the ax. We partied through the holidays and when the New Year came around, we were back hitting the pavement looking for a job.
With 20% unemployment encompassing the land, I barely managed to land myself a job at a posh restaurant. (illegally, of course) My goal now was to make enough money to get back home in time for my (real) brother’s wedding in the spring of ’94. To do that, I would have to save enough money for airfare and spare cash once I got home. Also, I only had 3 months to do it. The restaurant was in the middle of Dublin across from the city manager’s house. It was the place to be seen and all of the celebrities stopped by for a bite. The staff was also a microcosm of the United Nations. There were the token Yanks like myself. There were also a few Canadians, Brits, Aussies and South Africans. It was a great crew and we all had fun doing our job and we were actually making decent tips from the patrons. The Irish aren’t used to tipping the usual 15-20%. They usually tip between 5-10% or many times not at all. So to work in a fancy restaurant for good tips was definitely a good situation to be in.
Over the next 3 months, I worked extra shifts to make the cash I needed to get back home. Even though I managed to party a few nights away with the staff, I had to decline more often than not to keep on my saving schedule. To save money, I would often walk home instead of taking a cab or bus. It was a 30-minute walk through a few tough neighborhoods, but I kept my eyes peeled, ready to run at a moment’s notice.
The best thing about working at the restaurant was the celebrity sightings. Almost every night, someone famous would walk though the door. You would see mostly rock stars and actors. It appeared that Dublin had always been a mecca for the stars. One reason they loved Dublin and Ireland was because the local people would leave them alone. Mick Jagger could be walking down the street and the locals would look the other way. They essentially wanted to respect their privacy by not making a fuss over them. In the States, Mick would obviously have been mobbed. One time I was walking down the street and I saw the Edge from U2 coming in my direction. He was taking a casual stroll and doing a little window-shopping. Nobody even looked in his direction. In fact, they went out of their way to not look at him. This astonished me to no end. I, of course, started acting like the typical tourist. I started jumping around and pointing him out to my friend. He told me to take it easy, which I soon did.
After awhile I started acting like the locals and ignoring the stars. But when they came into the restaurant, the place was buzzing. We would all get the word at the beginning of the night about who was coming in. At that time, the lucky waiters would be chosen to serve them. It was always one of the older waiters who got to serve them and never any of the new guys like me. The likes of U2, Gabriel Byrne, Alan Rickman, Leslie Nielsen, The Rolling Stones, and even Jerry Lee Lewis stopped by for dinner. Jerry Lee even went over to the piano in the bar to play a few notes on the piano. It was quite a show.
Well, one night I got my chance to wait on a star. The top waiters were off that night, so I got the call. The luck celebrity was none other than Albert Finney. He was one cool cat. He was in town filming a new flick and was out for a quick bite with Rufus Sewall. These guys were having fun, drinking a few cocktails and even buying drinks for a few of the female patrons. He even told me to call him “Al”. That was definitely the highlight of the night. He left a good tip too.
Before I knew it the 3 months had flown by and it was time for me to leave the lovely Emerald Isle. This land had been good to me over the last 9 months. I had left the States in search of new adventures abroad and Ireland had come through. Even though my initial goal was to travel all over Europe, I felt satisfied with my experiences in Ireland. I now had a better sense of the European lifestyle and felt more at ease in my own skin. I knew that I would be back one day and my future travels would go beyond Dublin. Yet, I would never forget my first European landing with my shorts, sandals and Florida tan leading the way.